Thank you thank you

I have reasons to believe my life is coming to an end. If not by illness, then maybe through my own hands. I may be wrong—I hope I'm wrong. And that's okay. It doesn't matter weather I'm really dying, what matters is what the thought of dying, of ending my life, got me thinking of.

Sure, there are many things I wish I could do. But I know that, even if I had more time, I probably wouldn't do it. I know myself well enough to acknowledge I'm not gonna get what I want out of this life. That's fine. The point is not what I would like to do, but what I have actually done with my life. And, honestly, I'm grateful.

I'm grateful because even though I haven't become a successful psychologist, I got to touch the lives of many people. Even if for a brief second, if it was enough to bring forth some change, then I consider my job done. And I know I have changed many people, even when they themselves don't realise it. It's okay. I'm not here for the fame.

I'm glad for the life that I've led. Sure, I wish I had my own house by the beach. I wish I could live to see plenty sunrises by the sea. But, at the end of the day, I'm just glad that I got to meet the people I've met, I got to have the conversations I've had, I got to grow and inspire and be there for someone, even if just for a little while.

But do you wanna know what I'm the most grateful for? The thing that makes me sleep at night thinking that, if this is it, I'm glad to go because I had the chance to have this in my life? Well.

It is the both of you.

Blow your trumpets, Gabriel

It's been a long time coming and I know the end is near 'cause I can feel the warmth of the Sun on my back and at night I cry among the swords. I know the end is near 'cause every time I see myself floating towards the past I realise I'm only doing it because the present feels boring, even when it isn't. I realise I'm running, so I tie my shoes and I try my best to stay on track, and I know I'm bound to fall every now and then, but I also know my feet are touching the ground, the impact reminding me I'm still running, I'm still going, and it may hurt after a while but at least I'm moving forward, and from afar I can see that the past can't catch up to me because it's not running after me—it's inside my head and I had the power to shut it up all along. I used to think my mistakes were ghosts who would haunt me and keep me awake at night, but now it seems the only reason I'm not sleeping is because I actually have nothing to worry about at 3 AM. And as long as I remind myself that boring isn't bad, I can get through anything. There are no ghosts. There are only echoes. And they're fading.

IV of Swords

I feel like I have allowed the death of many parts of myself in the past few months. As if I'm a spider having to let go of the old exoskeleton since I can't really fit inside of it anymore. And although I'm constantly mourning my old self, it turns out this process is not as painful as it seems to be. Some parts of my mind are completely shattered — they have been for a while now —, but somehow I feel like clarity is blooming inside of me.

I've been feeling and thinking and growing and one day I'll be ready to expand, although it may not be so soon. Letting go of an old exoskeleton is a very slow process indeed. All is well, though. I'm not broken and I'm not stuck. I am still.